Battle with my very own mind

My goldfish died the previous week, i buried it in my yard.

That's the only news i have to share.

Carp is still jovial. Got another fish, don't know its breed, i don't want to, i know i have not started to love it.

A single fish's loss has created a vacuum in me, can't imagine of a person in that place. That is my negative side, i get easily attached to things as well as persons.

Reading have not improved. Mostly spending time on Indian literary theory books, and some fictions. Grammar books are also revised for my pedagogical work.

I miss something and i don't realise what am i missing.

Had some tough times, mostly from dad and her mum.

Settling them, all in place now.

Fear of future is there in me, and i am trying to put curb on that with furious efforts.

Practising "minimum thoughts". Trying to live in the present and not in past or future.

Started dreaming in sleep and eyes open, am not able to recognize dreams and reality...getting crazy at times.

Need a break, i really need one. In this conventional family i can't expect one.

Usually desperate, seeking happiness in everything around me, often i fail.

Missing my sister, when she is around, my battle with my own mind lessens.

I guess, i need to practice some sort of meditation, need to balance myself.

Reading Ramayana is a solace, even though i don't understand a single word in that ancient text.

i was a person who had loved solitude, now i fear it the most.

non-living things do not satisfy me now a days. As usual when i am desp, i eat a lot and put up weight. Need a guide, really need one.

Have not touched paints for some long time, want to try a hand at that.

Using sleep as a tool as i am a fugitive. I know it is bad, can't help it now, but will get over it soon, sigh! Hope so.

Hope is what always keeps me alive.

"Hope is the only bee that gives honey without flowers".