Useless anticipations

A part of me is invisible.

I don't let anyone see it.

I believe even god can not read the minds of women.

I endorse some of the writers who have said so.

As always I write a new post when I have no one else to share what's bothering me.

Dear deserted blog/future husband of mine,

I fear my future is gonna be murky.

i don't have the confidence that i can cope with my future husband and his family.

i know i am mostly a naive type girl. 

To be strong and deal with anything and everything quickly is a hard task for me. No one coached me for that. But life took the initiative and gave me ample coaching for it. That's  less to be depended upon. to say things without hurting the sentiments of the listeners is a skill i need to learn immediately.

some have mastered it. i have seen many. 

i am having second and third and unlimited thoughts on if i am really ready to tie a knot. will that knot be tangled and form a noose? oh my god, that's dreadful, very very ruthless thought.

i am already a clumsy irresponsible girl. when i am bad at handling myself how can i handle another grown up man? This man who is strict with timing and schedules. me- a lover of boundless time.

the pace i get at my own home will turn out to be a mere memory that which will not rest in peace.

i will do the house chores happily if its not compelled. i like to see it as my duty to do it because men is extremely bad at it. it should be as if i help him. that shouldn't be taken for granted either.

to list what all i have to do is like giving one to your house help/maids. And most saddening is to make a chart what to eat and what not to. do every wives go through this. I salute the super wives...you are all legends. Having one role model at my home, i learn many lessons. i see how great my mother is. 

if all groom-to-be want a bride-to-be with perfect BMI, there would have been several chronic bachelors. I am not a product to be shaped and moulded as you like. One is either low weight or over weight...or anaemic. Agree and comprehend that a normal girl is all that one needs. To measure the mental stability and instability is never a criteria because Indian arranged weddings are fixed on the basis of first physical sight and dusty horoscopes. 

Judgemental are those who support this, really they are bit mental.

i see that i am being swallowed part by part. This is just synonymous to what we can see in Atwood's novel The Edible Woman. Will i have to take a final decision like Marian took? or soon will i have to be anaemic like her? Should i start learning how to loath the food items i love to eat? Isn't all this little too much for a illogical lady like me? i have already started hating the food I loved to eat once. *growl*

To do creative things that only occasionally come to me only at night will be another memory. I will miss it. Can I tumble out of the bed like an unchaste wife who is going to write to her lover? 

Mind it, if you keep limits on me I have the highest tendency to break it. I may fly away. Never cage me. I have been never outside the cage my father put me in. From cage to cage, its hard and sad. On top of this, to list out timings to wake up and sleep: also on food, i don't see much difference between me and a caged animal/bird. Imagine yourself in it before labelling me uncultured or bad woman. Tears drizzle as I write this. I will adjust readily without you reminding of these.

Leave me to live on my pace with frequent suggestions and not the orders. I am bad at taking orders. But  I crave for my future partner to stand by me, to guide me, to point out the flaws in gentle ways, give lots of options and suggestions and let me pick one. I will pick them knowing you will never add a bad one to the list. After all, its not me and you, after some months its we and everything will be ours. Lets make life beautiful by knowing each others imperfections , weaknesses, strengths and desires. Forgive me for what I am not. Love me for what I am. 

yours

no one's

crazy girl

P.S  Few months back - I am my beloved, and my beloved is me 

       Few months after- You are my beloved and your beloved is me